Success!

For all those who asked (my wife), my trip overseas was a complete success. While I was widely ignored by the media and Fergie, I did get to meet my idol:

Sooty taught me the true meaning of love.

Holiday!

Enough of this leadership speculation. I'm going overseas. I will now show you my itinerary.

Countries I am visiting:

USA
England

Countries I am not visiting:

Palau
Tonga
American Samoa
Rhodesia
Burkina Faso.
Bosnia.
That country with the poor people.
Paris.

I am meeting with the senior secretaries to the senior associates of the casual receptionists of some senior officials. Also, and don't tell the media this, I plan to meet Fergie. Yeah, I'd tap that ass.

Peter Costello speculation

There is nasty speculation among the meaner journalists in the Press Gallery that Peter Costello is going to come and take away my job.

I say, he had his chance at the leadership, so there. But to quell speculation we had a "bit of a chat".

We met in a local Starbucks. I was a little early, so I ordered a double-tall-vanilla-skim-soy-latte flavoured beverage. Eventually, Costello sauntered in, saw me, and smirked.

"Hello Dr. Nelson" he said "You have my full support."

Thank God. My job is safe. I will lead the Liberals to a stunning victory in the next election.

We spent the next 3 hours talking about general topics. Creedance. Our favourite alcopops. Our disappointment that Starbucks are closing (we'll have to go to Queanbeyan to get good coffee).

At the end of our meeting Costello grabbed my hand, pulled me close and whispered "Don't turn around. From now on, I've got your back."

What a great guy.

I'm back

Sorry about my unexplained absence. It turns out Malcolm Turnbull snuck into my office one night and changed all my passwords to malcolmrox2008. Very funny, Malcolm. I was unable to log in.

I suggested that he is so funny he should be in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Malcolm told me that his act would involve him reading my press releases.

I had no response at that particular time.

At 11pm I suddenly had a flash of inspiration, and texted "You suck Malcolm".

I owned him.

The science behind fatty boombahs

It's true - you can't drown fat kids.

Despite what has been previously reported, kids are not getting fatter. This is a blatant Labor party lie. The science of fat kids is still up in the open. In fact, it's actually becoming like a religion. A Fat Kid Religion, and I am not a believer of the Fat Kid Religion. It's a green myth, a green scare perpetrated by those who don't know what they are talking about.

I've had a look at the IPCC figures, and I am going to ignore the facts in the article and focus on the bits we are unclear about, because that is proof kids aren't getting fatter.

In fact, obesity in children has gone down slightly in the past year, and that alone is proof that even though the science points to fat kids getting fatter (which categorically I deny), fat kids aren't as fat as last year which proves my point that child obesity is a myth, no matter which way you look at it.

There are many (well, 30) scientists who disagree (or aren't convinced) about child obesity. This is proof that the science of child obesity isn't settled, even though many of these scientists are being paid off by fast food companies, and who is Tim Flannery to talk anyway? He eats hamburgers. This is another example of the hypocritical Left, and if The Left believe in child obesity then it must be false which proves that the science behind child obesity is shaky at best.

Queensland Elections

In response to the rumour that I endorse a certain candidate for president of the Queensland division of the Liberal Party, I say that every mother loves her candidate, every candidate is valued, and Mr. Rudd should value all candidates equally. We should not live in an Australia where Mr. Rudd thinks some candidates are more valued than others.

They're all a bunch of cockheads*.

*My press secretary made me cross that bit out.

Mike turns nasty

I was interviewed by Mike Carlton this morning. We were having a lovely chat about how, after years of prosperity under the Howard Government, Australians were suddenly so poor that 5 cents off every litre of petrol would be the difference between king-like wealth and abject poverty that would last forever and ever when he suddenly started digging into me.

CARLTON:

It doesn’t give Malcolm Turnbull much time to get rid of you, though, does it?

DR NELSON:

Look, Malcolm’s doing a very effective job keeping Mr Swan awake at night.

CARLTON:

He’s doing a very effective job looking, sizing-up your shoulder blades too, isn’t he?

DR NELSON:

Actually, if I could just before we go, if I could just get back to something that’s a real issue for people at the moment and that is this FuelWatch which the Government is wanting to impose upon us. I just point out to you Mike and Sandy that we obviously support as much consumer information getting out there as possible but we are opposed to the price setting regulatory nature of FuelWatch, as is the RACV in Victoria, as is the RAA. In fact the only motoring organisation in the country that seems to support it is the NRMA. And the reason we’re opposed to it is because the people who are less concerned about the price of petrol will pay a bit less and the people that were all queued up last night are going to pay a bit more.

Few, I'm glad I managed to get around that. I hope nobody noticed and put it on a blog.