Success!

For all those who asked (my wife), my trip overseas was a complete success. While I was widely ignored by the media and Fergie, I did get to meet my idol:

Sooty taught me the true meaning of love.

Holiday!

Enough of this leadership speculation. I'm going overseas. I will now show you my itinerary.

Countries I am visiting:

USA
England

Countries I am not visiting:

Palau
Tonga
American Samoa
Rhodesia
Burkina Faso.
Bosnia.
That country with the poor people.
Paris.

I am meeting with the senior secretaries to the senior associates of the casual receptionists of some senior officials. Also, and don't tell the media this, I plan to meet Fergie. Yeah, I'd tap that ass.

Peter Costello speculation

There is nasty speculation among the meaner journalists in the Press Gallery that Peter Costello is going to come and take away my job.

I say, he had his chance at the leadership, so there. But to quell speculation we had a "bit of a chat".

We met in a local Starbucks. I was a little early, so I ordered a double-tall-vanilla-skim-soy-latte flavoured beverage. Eventually, Costello sauntered in, saw me, and smirked.

"Hello Dr. Nelson" he said "You have my full support."

Thank God. My job is safe. I will lead the Liberals to a stunning victory in the next election.

We spent the next 3 hours talking about general topics. Creedance. Our favourite alcopops. Our disappointment that Starbucks are closing (we'll have to go to Queanbeyan to get good coffee).

At the end of our meeting Costello grabbed my hand, pulled me close and whispered "Don't turn around. From now on, I've got your back."

What a great guy.

I'm back

Sorry about my unexplained absence. It turns out Malcolm Turnbull snuck into my office one night and changed all my passwords to malcolmrox2008. Very funny, Malcolm. I was unable to log in.

I suggested that he is so funny he should be in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Malcolm told me that his act would involve him reading my press releases.

I had no response at that particular time.

At 11pm I suddenly had a flash of inspiration, and texted "You suck Malcolm".

I owned him.

The science behind fatty boombahs

It's true - you can't drown fat kids.

Despite what has been previously reported, kids are not getting fatter. This is a blatant Labor party lie. The science of fat kids is still up in the open. In fact, it's actually becoming like a religion. A Fat Kid Religion, and I am not a believer of the Fat Kid Religion. It's a green myth, a green scare perpetrated by those who don't know what they are talking about.

I've had a look at the IPCC figures, and I am going to ignore the facts in the article and focus on the bits we are unclear about, because that is proof kids aren't getting fatter.

In fact, obesity in children has gone down slightly in the past year, and that alone is proof that even though the science points to fat kids getting fatter (which categorically I deny), fat kids aren't as fat as last year which proves my point that child obesity is a myth, no matter which way you look at it.

There are many (well, 30) scientists who disagree (or aren't convinced) about child obesity. This is proof that the science of child obesity isn't settled, even though many of these scientists are being paid off by fast food companies, and who is Tim Flannery to talk anyway? He eats hamburgers. This is another example of the hypocritical Left, and if The Left believe in child obesity then it must be false which proves that the science behind child obesity is shaky at best.

Queensland Elections

In response to the rumour that I endorse a certain candidate for president of the Queensland division of the Liberal Party, I say that every mother loves her candidate, every candidate is valued, and Mr. Rudd should value all candidates equally. We should not live in an Australia where Mr. Rudd thinks some candidates are more valued than others.

They're all a bunch of cockheads*.

*My press secretary made me cross that bit out.

Mike turns nasty

I was interviewed by Mike Carlton this morning. We were having a lovely chat about how, after years of prosperity under the Howard Government, Australians were suddenly so poor that 5 cents off every litre of petrol would be the difference between king-like wealth and abject poverty that would last forever and ever when he suddenly started digging into me.

CARLTON:

It doesn’t give Malcolm Turnbull much time to get rid of you, though, does it?

DR NELSON:

Look, Malcolm’s doing a very effective job keeping Mr Swan awake at night.

CARLTON:

He’s doing a very effective job looking, sizing-up your shoulder blades too, isn’t he?

DR NELSON:

Actually, if I could just before we go, if I could just get back to something that’s a real issue for people at the moment and that is this FuelWatch which the Government is wanting to impose upon us. I just point out to you Mike and Sandy that we obviously support as much consumer information getting out there as possible but we are opposed to the price setting regulatory nature of FuelWatch, as is the RACV in Victoria, as is the RAA. In fact the only motoring organisation in the country that seems to support it is the NRMA. And the reason we’re opposed to it is because the people who are less concerned about the price of petrol will pay a bit less and the people that were all queued up last night are going to pay a bit more.

Few, I'm glad I managed to get around that. I hope nobody noticed and put it on a blog.

Nelson Facts #1

Little known fact about me:

I am one hard-nosed motherfucker motorcyclist. Just dig this quote from my website:

As any motorcyclist will tell you, safety gear is essential to enjoying your time on the road. I have two bike jackets.

Born to be wild, baby.

There is nothing more I love than flying down the road at a relatively safe thirty kilometers per hour, a mild breeze in my face, and a stomach full of decaf.

I'm a bad arse and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially that Malcolm Turnbull who does NOT have a motorcycle and is NOT a doctor. Never has been, never will be.

Sitcoms and other crimes

I am furious.

Kevin Rudd is an affront to working people everywhere. My wife and I are barely able to survive on $150,000 a year, while Brother Number One is travelling the country with an au pair and a butler.

His life sounds like the premise of The Nanny.

I wouldn't tap it. Or Fran.

Does this mean that Kevin Rudd is now out on his fanny?

Unlikely.

Mean people out there say I'm like Frasier Crane - a pompous doctor unloved by all, even his own family. But that is cruel. If my life was a sitcom, it would be something sassy like Dad's Army or Allo Allo. Or maybe Doctor In The House.

It's the reason I became a doctor.

I am a genius!

From my doorstop interview:

QUESTION:

Should teachers get paid better? Is this a good plan?

DR NELSON:

Look as I said in by Budget in Reply last Thursday week, one of the key reforms that must be undertaken is we must set a much higher minimum standard for entry into teacher training and so long as we live in a country where the most mediocre disengaged teacher gets paid exactly the same as the one that’s in early and home late and is on the phone looking after parents and kids at the weekend then it’s very hard for us to have high quality outcomes in teaching.

Brilliant.

Just brilliant.

Am I Australia's greatest orator, or what? Unfortunately, the media like to focus on my "unpopularity" and "unlike-ability", and that survey that said I had overtaken clowns as the greatest childhood fear.

Watch out Kramer, Nelson's comin' to get ya!

Alcopop

"The alcopop,
makes me dizzy,
and just can't stop,
til' it's finished,
and I don't know what,
if I'm funny 'bout the alcopop,
and the love of money"*

I am enraged that the ALP has taxed my favourite drinks. I used to be able to buy a four pack of Cruisers for 12 dollars, but suddenly it's gone up to $16. I can buy a six pack of imported beer for that, but unfortunately the bubbles hurt my tongue so beer is out of the question.

Plus my wife won't let me drink beer anymore because last year I drank a bottle of Cascade Light and didn't stop singing CCR for three days.

I want to make it clear to Australian working families out there that the Liberal Party of Australia supports binge drinking in all its forms.

Red, my favourite

*from the song Alcopop by the Divine Comedy.

Fuck Ted

Seriously.

Fuck him.

I can't believe I belong to the same party as that guy. Unlike myself, he has no hope of being elected leader by the people of this great nation, Australia.

He doesn't play guitar and he's never even been defence minister. Or a doctor. Not even a doctorb.

It's like I was saying to the C-Train (that's Condi - sorry, Condoleezza Rice for those not in the know) last year, Ted is a chump.

Looks good in speedos though.

OMG HOT!

Condi said she'd tap it.

Right on, sister.

Abject Failure?

After the abject failure of my Listening Tour, I have been considering about going on a tour with John Farnham, you know, Nelson & Farnsey: The National Tour or something like that.

I brought this idea up at the staff meeting this morning, and everyone was so impressed that they were unable to speak for several minutes. My media adviser, in particular, was so touched that tears sprang to her eyes and she had to leave the room to compose herself.

I have spent the day so far locked in my office, practising for the tour. Then the shocking news came - John Farnham's manager was in jail, and thus Farnham was incommunicado.

Wheatley in prison? I was shocked. So shocked I leapt to my feet and picked up the telephone.

"Operator, give me the number for John Farnham........Hello?"

No luck there. I hope Johhny reads this blog.

If you're out there, John, please contact me through the Australian Medical Association, of which I am a member because the prefix Dr. precedes my own name.

Kitty Hawkin'

For the record, I entirely defend the choice of fighter plane I made during my tenure as Defence Minister.

Suck shit, Joel.

Happy Times, Happy Meals

Here I am, in happier days, with US president Dick Cheney (who is, incidentally, not a doctor). I was measuring how much the Liberal government would win the election by, until Dick Cheney reminded me that the election isn't decided by a penny farthing race. But I stand by my guess, and the ALP has yet to prove me wrong, or deal with my allegation that penny farthing owners are worse off under the Labor government.

And I bet you thought I was going to make a penis joke. As if.

Hello, and welcome

Hello, and welcome to my blog.

As you've probably seen on TV, my leadership is in a bit of strife right now. The standing of my party is slightly below that of the Australian Democrats. But not to worry. I have full faith in the Australian people, and the tax laws of our country that will put Malcolm Turnbull away for a very long time.

Also I am a doctor.

See you around, flyboy.